The Mala Trap: A Foreigner’s Spicy Misadventure

If you’ve ever been on a dating app and matched with a "foreigner" (that is, someone from the other three-quarters of the planet), you may have thought about going on a date. If so, the topic of food inevitably came up. Any real man will proudly declare that he has survived the jalapeños of Mexico, conquered the vindaloo of India, and even wrestled a live octopus in Seoul. But place him in front of a genuine Sichuan hot pot, seasoned with mala, and watch as his bravado dissolves into tears.

Now, mala sounds gentle. Ma (which, to the untrained ear, resembles the word for "mother") and la (that adorable suffix Cantonese girls attach to every other word). Before every Chinese reader starts shouting about incorrect tones—yes, yes, we know—but that’s beside the point. The real magic of mala is its ability to ambush you in the most unexpected places.

Take, for example, a cozy little café called Tien Tien ("Slowly Slowly"). The name lulled me into a false sense of security. I spotted what appeared to be a bag of quaint, grandma-style chocolate cookies. Foolishly, I bit into one—a mistake foreigners in China make exactly once. As I sipped my coffee and nibbled, a creeping horror set in: my tongue had vanished. Not metaphorically—I mean I literally could no longer feel it. Worse, I couldn’t even pinpoint where the pain was coming from. What dark sorcery was this?

Ah, but that’s the genius of mala. Not only does it scorch your taste buds into submission, it then numbifies them, leaving you in a state of confused agony. Why, you ask, would anyone put this in a chocolate cookie? Childhood memories—ruined. Dinner—rendered tasteless. And as for your date? Forget about a proper goodnight kiss. You’ll be lucky if you can muster a peck on the forehead before stumbling home, questioning all your life choices.

So, to all my fellow foreigners: tread carefully. That innocent-looking snack? It’s a trap. And to the Chinese chefs who keep hiding mala in desserts—we see you. And we salute you, through tear-filled eyes.